Brewer Paradise Lost

Here’s an article I wrote for a class. Enjoy.

One of the most overlooked issues in America today is the subject of vampire population control. Covered up by the popularity of terrible vampire movies such as the recently-released Twilight or the ever-forgettable Blade: Trinity or Van Helsing is the side of vampires not glorified by the entertainment industry. In a world where vampires feed on the living, the threat of a vampire sucking on your neck is a very real possibility. However, despite there being a surplus of high-budget, low-quality vampire movies, very little is known about vampires and the functions inside their bodies.

A vampire is a postmortem living being that is characterized by sharp fangs instead of incisors, pale skin, and most importantly, its necessity to feed itself via the blood of a human being. They cannot touch sunlight or garlic, but they can sleep in coffins for hours on end without the slightest bit of fresh air. Because the supposed contradiction between the “alive” and “dead” status of a vampire is overlooked, vampires actually become a serious threat in today’s world. Not only can people think that stupid movies like Twilight can possibly be any good, but any living, breathing human can contract vampirism if they are not careful.

Since man has been able to wander the stars and formulate the words to be able to adequately contemplate his existence, he has also scoured the depths of every cave, dungeon, and coffin for the answers to the mystery of the vampire. What are they? How are they created? Why are they so different?

We now know the answers to most of those questions, but one of the things that needs to be placed on the hot stove is the topic of already-dead vampires expiring. They are dead, so they can’t die yet again; what prevents vampires from piling up like useless junk in a homeowner’s storage room? Shouldn’t there be a thrift sale to keep the storage room walkable? It’s clear that the world we live in is not wrought with vampires littering the streets with a shortage of human blood.

Why there must be a mass vampire exterminator

It’s safe to assume, according to vampire experts, that a vampire needs to suck the blood of at minimum one human every single month in order to maintain a healthy existence. It’s also a safe bet to assume that vampires were first invented with the creation of Bram Stoker’s infamous 1897 novel, Dracula. Without that book, vampires would not be such a concerning part of our society today; we have noone but Stoker to thank for the novel he used as a public service announcement against the vampiric community.

Earlier research suggested that when a person gets bitten, they turn into a vampire, suggesting that the bite-to-transformation ratio is 1:1. When that ratio was in place, the number of vampires on Earth could be approximately calculated by the exponential equation 2n, where n equals the number of months that vampires have been in existence. This is called the Vampire Equation – its contributions to the mathematical and social world are equivalent to the quadratic theorem and the nerdy math student t-shirts that have reared their ugly head as a result of it. Except, instead of geeks, the Vampire Equation means that vampires are running amok. In this model, in only 4 years the entire population of the Earth would be vampires! However, after asking multiple vampire experts on an online forum, this previous data might not be totally accurate. One of the prominent administrators of a vampire website suggested that when a person gets bit by a vampire, it’s not guaranteed that they turn into one as well.

“I’m saying introduce a probability of success,” administrator Katanshin suggested in a vampire chat room on VampireFreaks.com. “One bite would have a 10 percent chance [of turning a human into a vampire]. Otherwise, the victim either recovers or dies.”

By this modern model, the number of vampires in the world would decrease significantly, but there is still an inconsistency with the number of vampires that would exist and the population of this world. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the world’s population is about 6,800,000,000. If we follow the equation (2n)/10 to determine the number of vampires that are alive and well, after just a few years there are more vampires on Earth than there are people. Since I’m not a vampire, and I have never experienced someone who is a vampire, the actual ratio of vampires to actual people is far lower than what it should be, especially since vampires were invented over 100 years ago.

Even if vampire experts claim this new theoretical model to be true, vampires on Earth would still be an incredible problem. More vampires would inhabit the earth than there are recorded people, so the disconnect creates a contradiction in the fundamental nature of vampires. Either the Vampire Equation is wrong, or there is something that takes out vampires that us humans don’t currently know about. The former can’t be true because it is math. Math is true, and totally beautiful and amazing at the same time.

The government and other helpful organizations have sent out their own pest controls to stop the spread of vampirism among the human race, but most of the things the entertainment industry has used to attack vampires have been nothing but disappointing – and it’s not just the box office.

Why Blade isn’t a sufficient vampire control device.

Blade is the stage name for a character played by Wesley Snipes in the classic 1998 film. Blade, in that movie, is a vampire hunter who slays a large amount of vampires. One of the most interesting things about Blade is that he is part vampire himself – in fact, that’s why he has the special powers to kill other vampires in the first place.

However, one of the things that differentiates Blade from every other citizen concerned about vampirism taking away their lives is that same ability. No mere mortal is able to kill vampires simply by the means of an average human; each person has to somehow become a vampire and still be able to reason right from wrong. How an average mortal like

In addition, Blade is played by Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes is a total badass – if any readers watched any of the three Blade movies, production quality notwithstanding, it’s clear that he killed way more vampires than any of them have killed mosquitoes. I, for one, know that I could not kill one vampire, nevertheless take down an entire army of vampires that are out to kill him. No other human is nearly as cool as Wesley Snipes, and for that, nobody else could become an ultra-badass vampire hunter. And one vampire hunter can only do so much to inhibit a vampire population that should be an incredible amount, but isn’t.

Why Buffy isn’t a sufficient vampire control device.

Buffy retired, quite some time ago. Check another slayer of vampires off of the exterminator list.

But what does this all mean? It means that there must be some form of population control among vampires, otherwise we would all be living dead. And I don’t know about the reader, but personally, I am a living liver. There are many ways in which the vampire population is known to be controlled: rings of garlic, sunlight, holy water, and Wesley Snipes (even though he pretty much is a vampire himself), but the rates of these encounters are much too small to effectively ward off the vampire population at a necessary rate. There is one option that stands out above all the rest: Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.

Why AIDS is the best possible fit for vampire population control.

AIDS is a perfect “fit” for vampiric population control. Vampire movies and Wikipedia always seem to depict vampires as hypersexual beings, most recently in the movie Twilight but also back in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and AIDS is a sexually-transmitted disease. Common logic all but dictates, then, that vampires will have higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases than humans. AIDS can also be transmitted through the blood, making feeding for vampires a risky proposition; vampires will have a high-retention rate, and that high rate is necessary to keep the vampire population down to a level where vampiric blood lust is not a major concern around the world.

Clearly, vampires are nothing more than immoral creatures because they usually have intense sexual desires (according to many vampire movies), and none of these vampires have gotten married in a traditional Catholic church. What makes AIDS a perfect fit for vampire population control is when one looks at immoral savages like vampires and connects the fact that God sent AIDS down to Earth from above to punish those who have turned against them, AIDS becomes the most logical choice for vampire population control. Not only do they need to be stopped for our own safety, but they also need to be stopped for our childrens’ well-being so that they don’t succumb to the terrible choice of being gay, a vampire, or a loser.

Reverend R.G. Green of the Web site GodHatesGoths.com understands that vampires and other “Goths” to be silenced. He doesn’t mince words easily, but he clearly has an excellent point. Vampires in today’s society is a problem, and God decided that AIDS was a punishment for vampires being terrible people (or, in this case, postmortem people).

“Vampires are the highest risk category, because they have 3 ways in which they can get AIDS,” he says on his website. “These sick freaks drinking human blood they are open to all sorts of blood diseases, secondly most vampires are Bi-sexual and sexually promiscuous… God wants them to get AIDS and die! Praise Jesus!”

In addition to the impeccable logic that clearly dictates the higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases, thinking about what AIDS would do to a vampire fits in the balance. AIDS is not a disease that kills a person; instead, it weakens the immune system to the point where other diseases attack the immune system and it can’t defend itself, so the body loses its fight against a virus it normally would defeat. Well, all other epidemics that would apply to vampires fail in this regard. Because all vampires are already dead people, viruses that would normally wipe a person out such as cancer could not apply to vampires because they can not die or be harmed by them. However, AIDS, when logically applied to a vampire, would fit perfectly; AIDS would simply weaken their immune system until nothing was left, and everything else would wither them away. Since they wouldn’t die, they would simply wither away into infinity, much like a calculus equation would take the limit as x goes to infinity.

Thus, it can be assumed that across the Earth, every single vampire that has ever existed either exists, or has succumb to the effects of AIDS and slowly burns away for all eternity into nothing. Because it is possible, that means that it is true. It’s what the media does, so it must be true.

Bram Stoker may have been a brilliant man, but he left society with a plethora of problems as a result of his freakish creation. His novel was intended to create an impenetrable fog of horror, but instead the fog is made up of uncertainty and terrible horror flicks. Thank the One True Lord God that one of the problems that we the human race thought that we would have in the form of vampire overrun doesn’t actually exist. Otherwise we’d all be heathens, right down to those homosexuals who have the audacity to want to get married. But that’s another issue.

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